“Don’t worry. She’ll get there in the end.” A phrase I heard on repeat through Bethany’s early years. What did they mean by “there?” They meant normal speaking ability, like every other child. They meant all the normal milestones would be achieved, just at a slower developmental pace. But would she ever talk? Would she ever achieve those milestones? How could I not worry when progress seemed so non-existent?

“Don’t worry.” When I shared my concerns with family and friends I was always told not to worry. “Give it time.”

But a mother knows. She knows when her child is struggling and needs help. She knows the strain it puts on her family and her marriage. She knows the extent of the behavioural challenges and the seemingly insurmountable communication problems. She spends the late night hours googling Autism symptoms and ticking the boxes in her mind. She knows the diagnosis even before the Paediatrician gives it, because she is already living with the reality. Her child has challenges and the mother wants to know how to support her. Still people say, “Don’t worry.”

Please don’t say, “don’t worry.” When a mum comes to you with her deepest fears about her child’s developmental problems, don’t tell her not to worry. Don’t say her child will “get there in the end.” Instead, just be there for her, and listen. Ask her what she thinks is wrong. Ask her what her child’s symptoms are. Encourage her to trust her gut instinct and to seek medical advice. That’s what I needed people to tell me.

Unfortunately just hanging on and waiting for your child to “get there in the end” can be detrimental to long term outcomes. Early intervention and support for children with developmental disorders is vital. Early support and training for families with special needs children is just as important.

When you tell a mum (or dad) not to worry, you are telling them their concerns aren’t valid. You are minimising the problem. You make them feel misunderstood and isolated when they need compassion and support. It is not your intention to make them feel that way but unfortunately that is the effect.

Perhaps the better thing to say is, “why are you worried? I’m here to help.” That’s what I needed.