I had it all planned out. Once we got married I was going to have a bunch of babies and raise them to be well-behaved, well-mannered, obedient children. I was determined I would be a good parent and I would raise them in the Christian faith. I even planned to home-educate these hypothetical children. My kids would hit all their milestones, work hard, and do well in school.

Once those children arrived I began to see that things aren’t as simple as I thought. Hypothetical children are not real children and sometimes life throws curve balls that change your plans and change you, growing you in ways that you could never have expected:

A complicated pregnancy. An emergency c-section. A baby in NICU. Hypertension. Sleeplessness. Health problems. Moving far away from your support network because of the cost of housing.

Then, another complicated pregnancy. Home purchase. Bi-lateral cleft lip and palate diagnosis of the baby in the womb. Another c-section. A baby in Special Care.

Adjusting to life with two children. Dealing with chronic pain. Putting your baby through two necessary surgeries and the subsequent challenging recoveries.

Financial challenges. House repairs. A husband working full time and studying for a new qualification.

A global Pandemic. Lockdown. Isolation. A close loved one in hospital. Special needs parenting.

Seeking help for Bethany from professionals. Persuing an Autism diagnosis. Advocacy. Disability. Special School.

Feeling frequently overwhelmed. Realising nothing was in my control. On the cusp of taking anti-depressants but changing my mind due to fear of side effects.

Determining to cling to the promises of God in Scripture.

And praying. Lots and lots of praying down on my knees in tears and deep piles of dirty laundry.

“Jesus, I need you. I can’t do this without you.”

And yet, in the midst of those struggles, there was also so much joy, love, and tenderness. There were so many funny moments. And a lot of growth.

Parenting is so much more than I thought it would be. Over time I have come to value connection with my kids over control. They are unique little people after all, with needs and wants and communication struggles. I can’t expect them to act like little adults.

I have learned to take the help that is offered. I have learned that I can’t do it all (including home-educating). I am learning to trust God with these precious gifts that we call Lucy and Bethany.

I am incredibly thankful for my family and all that has been provided for us. I am thankful for courses I’ve taken to help me to understand my autistic daughter better. I am thankful for advocates who have shared their stories and brought me hope and help in the process. I am thankful for all the intervention and help we have for Bethany.

Being a special needs parent has made me much less judgmental when I see a child who is struggling while out in the community. It has also made me examine the way I respond when my child is triggering me. The result has been happier, connected, peaceful relationships at home.

We have been through some dark, challenging times. But God has brought us through. He has answered prayers. He has provided joy and hope and laughter. He is making me into a better person.

‭Psalm‬ ‭61:1‭-‬3‬ ‭ESV‬
[1] Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; [2] from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, [3] for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.

https://bible.com/bible/59/psa.61.1.ESV