I have recently begun the journey into independent publishing. It is extremely difficult to get an agent, let alone get a publisher to take you on board. I started a course with Royalty Hero in May which is helping me to learn the process of self publishing as well as marketing skills.
My first book is about matters of faith. It’s available on Kindle now and in paperback from August 5th. Find it here:
A few days ago, I opened a news app on my phone. I read of a heartbreaking incident in Vancouver, Canada. A man had driven a car at high speed through a crowd of people. There were fatalities and many injuries. Unfortunately, it is not the first incident where someone has used a car as a weapon in this way.
The story weighed upon me, along with the coverage of the wars in Gaza and Ukraine. I also read of the depressing economic forecasts, the problems in the NHS, and other senseless acts of violence. I felt extremely saddened and overwhelmed.
I thought about some troubling situations our family and friends are facing; the struggles of special needs parenting; the difficulties my autistic daughter experiences every day; and all the many things that need doing around the house and the garden despite the lack of time and spare cash to do them.
It’s a lot.
In life there is a lot to overwhelm us and make us weary; things that can even make us hopeless, if we let them.
I felt helpless and hopeless, so I did the only thing I know to do as a Christian—I knelt to pray. I cried to God and told Him that I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why things had to be so hard. I didn’t understand why people did such wicked things or why He was waiting so long to intervene in this world.
Gently I was reminded that He has intervened once, by sending His only Son to bear our sin debt on the cross. While He walked the earth Jesus repeatedly demonstrated His love and compassion on the poor, the sick, and the oppressed. He entered our broken world and experienced rejection, suffering and pain. He brought healing and hope to people. His teachings made the world a better place than it was before. In love He laid His life down, and in victory He rose from the dead. He also promised to come again.
When? How long? How bad do things have to get?
I have a theological answer to this question: The truth that God is being gracious in giving people more time to repent (turn from their sins to Him).
If I’m honest, at times that answer still doesn’t satisfy me. In Romans 8:18-23 we read about how all creation is groaning and waiting for redemption. That describes how I feel at times in this broken world. I long for a better world; for a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness reigns.
God has promised that this will happen. I’m impatient for it. I want it now. And yet I must wait.
This morning, I opened my Bible to read The Gospel of John, chapter 11. Christians will be familiar with the passage which tells a true story about a man named Lazarus. He was a good friend of Jesus and had two sisters called Mary and Martha. In the story Lazarus became sick. Jesus was sent for, but He didn’t go to his friends straight away. He had other things He needed to do first, and He had a bigger plan.
When Jesus finally arrived at Bethany, where the family lived, Lazarus had been dead and buried for four days already. Martha came to meet Jesus and cried out to him: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Jesus responded: “Your brother will rise again.” Martha thought Jesus was speaking of the resurrection in end times, but he wasn’t.
Later in the story, after weeping with Mary and Martha, Jesus asked to be taken to the tomb. Many mourners followed them so there was a crowd of people to witness what happened next. Jesus asked for the stone to be rolled away from the tomb but he was warned there would be a nasty smell. Jesus responded, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?”
They rolled the stone away and “he [Jesus] cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The crowd gasped as Lazarus slowly shuffled out, bound with grave clothes, and his face wrapped with a cloth.
After this sign, many of the Jews who had seen what had happened believed in Jesus. Word came to the Pharisees and from that point they made plans to put him to death. They were jealous of Jesus’ following.
My point in sharing the story is this: Mary and Martha had to wait, in order that a greater miracle might be done. Rather than just going straightaway and healing a sick man (as Jesus had done many times already), He had plans to do something far greater—raise a man from the dead!
Mary and Martha’s job was to trust Jesus when they didn’t understand. That is what Christians must do today, as we wait for Him to show His glory and healing hand again to a broken world.
As I meditated on these Scriptures, my attention was drawn to the lyrics of a hymn which seems appropriate to share below:
I Set My Hope
When this life of trials test my faith,
I set my hope on Jesus,
When the questions come and doubts remain,
I set my hope on Jesus,
For the deepest wounds that time won’t heal,
There’s a joy that runs still deeper,
There’s a truth that’s more than all I feel,
I set my hope on Jesus,
I set my hope on Jesus,
My rock, my only trust,
Who set His heart upon me first,
I set my hope on Jesus,
Though I falter in this war with sin,
I set my hope on Jesus,
When I fail the fight and sink within,
I set my hope on Jesus,
Though the shame would drown me in its sea,
And I dread the waves of justice,
I will cast my life on Calvary,
I set my hope on Jesus,
I set my hope on Jesus,
My rock, my only trust,
Who set His heart upon me first,
I set my hope on Jesus,
Though the world called me to leave my Lord,
I set my hope on Jesus,
Though it offer all its vain rewards,
I set my hope on Jesus,
Though this heart of mine is prone to stray,
Give me grace enough to finish,
‘Til I worship on that final day,
I set my hope on Jesus,
I set my hope on Jesus,
My rock, my only trust,
Who set His heart upon me first,
I set my hope on Jesus,
I set my hope on Jesus,
My rock, my only trust,
Who set His heart upon me first,
I set my hope on Jesus,
I set my hope on Jesus,
Written by Keith Getty, Matt Boswell, and Matt Papa
I sat in the cafe with my friend, a fellow Autism mum whom I had met through a SALT workshop at my daughter’s school. For almost two hours we had been catching up, drinking tea, and talking all about faith, parenting, and different approaches we were trying with our autistic children. Then she stopped and asked me, “how is Lucy doing?” Lucy is my older child. I told her she was doing okay, but her relationship with Bethany has its challenges at times, because of Bethany’s physicality. Beth plays rough— more like a rugby player than a seven-year-old girl!
I’m not sure how the conversation got there, but I found myself telling my friend about the time when my obstetrician offered me an abortion because she was concerned about Lucy’s head size; she thought it was possible the baby may have Down Syndrome. At the time of this conversation, I was approaching full-term and was completely horrified at the suggestion of a termination. I had been talking to my baby and feeling her kicks for weeks. We had named her already. I responded more calmly than I felt inside, telling the doctor that our child was wanted and loved no matter what. We were keeping our baby. My heart filled with sorrow at the thought of other babies having their lives cut short due to a fear of parenting a disabled child. Lucy arrived and although she had some complications after she was born, she is now a healthy and thriving nine-year-old.
A few years later, I found myself having a similar conversation with another doctor. We were discussing our second child’s cleft lip and palate which had been diagnosed via ultrasound. The offer was framed slightly differently, as the excellent care available to cleft babies was emphasized, but abortion was still mentioned as an option if we didn’t wish to continue with the pregnancy.
As a child and a young adult, I knew two people with Down Syndrome. They were some of the kindest and emotionally “in tune” people I have ever met. They had hobbies, things they enjoyed, and families they loved and who loved them. They were cared for and valued despite their disabilities.
Valerie and I left the café and began walking through the garden centre. I stopped for a moment. “Can you imagine if they ever came up with a pregnancy screening test for Autism?” We looked at each other in horror as we thought about the implications of that. How many autistic lives would end before they were even born if a screening test was developed?
We harp on and on about disability rights, children’s rights, and equal rights in our society, but the law only applies those rights to people after they are born? As a Christian, I believe that human life is sacred; created in the image of God. I believe that human life begins in the womb.
According to UK law, abortions are legal up to 24 weeks. However, they are legal under certain circumstances up to birth. These circumstances include a severe foetal abnormality (which apparently includes a cleft lip). If we ascribe equal value to disabled individuals in comparison with non-disabled, why is the law on abortion different? As parents, our job is to protect and love our children no matter what. Surely this protection and love should begin as soon as we discover the pregnancy, regardless of whether the baby has a disability.
We have a tendency in our society to value people based on what they can bring to the table. We value those with great intellect and creativity. We value those who are skilled at building and fixing things. We value those who excel in sports. We value those who have financial acumen and bring wealth to the nation. We value artists and musicians. The government values those who pay taxes; those who are seen to contribute to our country’s prosperity.
However, I believe we all contribute something to our community and our country, whether it be economically or otherwise. We all have roles to play which are important regardless of whether they are financially lucrative for the nation: Stay at home mothers, unpaid carers, disabled people, volunteer workers, the elderly, children and babies are all valuable and have a place in our society. No one should be screened out because of age or disability. We all have a responsibility to take care of one another. I have written before that parenting an autistic child has made me a better mother and a less judgmental and more compassionate person. I would have missed out on that growth as a person had Bethany never been born.
As Lin-Manuel Miranda, a songwriter for the popular Disney movie, Encanto wrote:
“I think it’s time you learn,
You’re more than just your gift…
The miracle is not some magic that you’ve got,
The miracle is you, not some gift, just you,
The miracle is you,
All of you, all of you….”
The truth is that every person has value. We all bring something to the table. We all have something to offer society—even those with disabilities. Society benefits when we value those who are less able or frailer than we are. We are a better society when we compassionately and selflessly care for one another.
Continuing my conversation with Valerie, I told her, “I would do it all again. Despite all the challenges and stress of special needs parenting, I would do it all again. I wouldn’t be without Bethany.” She heartily agreed with me, saying the same about her own autistic son.
Photo of my daughter after she was born with bi-lateral cleft lip and palate.
I’m away from home this week with Lucy, but without John. I’m not sure what is wrong with Lucy but she has been clingy all week. It’s either a new phase, she’s getting sick, or she’s missing her home and her daddy.
Today has been the hardest, to the point that every time I left the room she panicked, and every time I tried to put her down for a nap she cried. It wasn’t the normal kind of fuss-it-out crying. It was sheer “I need you mummy, don’t leave me” crying. At first I was kind of frustrated, because I had things I was hoping to do this afternoon. Then I just gave in and embraced the moment.
We snuggled together for two hours this afternoon while Lucy napped on my chest, and I reminded myself that one day she will grow out of this. One day there will be a final time for her to nap in my arms. I rubbed her little back and stroked her head; trying to forget my own aching back.
Fast forward to bed time and it was the same scenario: Lucy didn’t want me to put her down. I decided to snuggle with her in the chair for twenty minutes before trying to settle her in the travel cot. We cuddled and rubbed noses, and she played with my hair. I whispered to her in the dark and told her that daddy is coming tomorrow.
We sat there in the dark; awake and enjoying the cuddle when all of a sudden Lucy sighed contentedly, and spoke the word, “mama.” My heart melted. It hit me all of a sudden, that it didn’t matter why she needed me. She just needed me today. She needed cuddles with her mama today.
The world to babies and toddlers is very small. We parents are their world. They look to us for everything. Every single thing! The parents of little ones have God-like status to them.
I wondered in the darkness how I’m doing. Am I giving Lucy the right view of God? A God who sends his rain upon the just and the unjust. A God who offers forgiveness of sins to all who will come to him in repentance. A God who delights in mercy. A God who delights in giving, even when we don’t always deserve it.
The eyes of all wait upon him and he gives them their meat in due season. He opens his hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing. May God help me to show my daughter(s) what God is like by my own responses to their needs, their sins, their complaints, and at times, their overwhelming expectations.
Originally written and posted on Facebook in July 2017
People who know me personally know that I am a Christian. By using that term, I mean that I have trusted in Jesus Christ as the promised Messiah, born to die on the cross for our sins. I also believe in the resurrection of his body from the tomb and the gift of eternal life He offers to those who trust in Him.
You may wonder if having a child with a disability has caused my faith in God to deteriorate. I mean, if God is God, why did he allow Bethany to be born with a genetic deletion syndrome? Why did he allow her to be born with a cleft lip and palate? Why did he make her autism so severe that she struggles to talk and to understand other’s speech? Why did he cause sensory processing to be so difficult and even painful for her? Is God really there? And if He is there, is He really good?
He is there. He is good.
I won’t say that I’ve never asked any of those questions. And I won’t say that at times I haven’t struggled with trusting God especially in the hardest moments. But I know that these struggles and these questions have brought me to my knees and driven me closer to the only one who can comfort me and help me get through. These struggles have driven me to the Bible and caused me to claim God’s promises over and over again. They have propelled me into the arms of the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. They have led me to pray and to witness the answers to those prayers.
Can God heal? I believe he can. Jesus healed many who were ill during his earthly ministry (often in the presence of many witnesses). Does God always heal? Not always in this life, but in eternity, yes. He promises that one day, for His redeemed people there will be no more tears and no more pain.
But why is there pain now? This is the philosophical question that many have struggled with through the centuries. We all go through hard times and the natural question is, “why me?”
I think there are solid Bible answers to these questions but it is very hard to summarize them. I will attempt this:
Firstly, we have to remember that good and evil exist. God and Satan exist. There is a battle going on. God is good and Satan is evil, but Satan wants to make God look like the bad guy. Satan deceived Eve in Eden and he persists in deception to this day.
Secondly, when God created the world and everything in it, initially, it was good. He gave only one rule, a rule to protect man from the knowledge of good and evil by telling them not to eat fruit from that tree. Man broke that one rule and sin entered in. Evil entered in. The curse entered in. Things began to decay. Thorns and weeds grew up. Man’s body began to decay. Things began to die. (Romans 8 speaks of all creation groaning under the bondage of sin.)
God had fairly warned Adam and Eve what would happen if they disobeyed Him, but He gave them the gift of free will. They chose to disobey one rule and it had eternal consequences for all of God’s creation. A proliferation of rules became necessary but unfortunately we still choose regularly to disobey.That is why it became necessary for God to send a Saviour (“God so loved he world, that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” John 3:16).
Thirdly, some of the trials we go through today are the direct result of our own sinful choices. Some examples of this are; taking drugs leading to mental health and physical health problems, crime leading to prison time, immorality leading to STDs. There is a law of sowing and reaping in this world.
Fourthly, we read in Job that God allowed Satan to test Job to see if Job’s faith in God was real. Would it stand the test? Satan projected that Job only served God because God had blessed him. God knew it wasn’t true and ultimately He used the trials to bring Job into a greater personal relationship with Himself.
We have two choices when we face difficulties. As Job’s wife suggested, we could “curse God and die.” Or we could turn to God in faith and plead for His help and mercy.
I have made my choice. The Lord has helped me in the midst of difficulties and questions. He can help you too.
Psalm 66:12
“You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.” (ESV)
Memories, Musings, and Meditations 