“We’re all a little bit autistic.”

“My nephew has autism and he’s a math whizz.”

“Autism is her superpower.”

“Your daughter is autistic. That must mean she’s extremely intelligent.”

These phrases and others like them are what people say when you tell them your child has Autism. The problem is, in our efforts to be positive about Autism, we unfortunately down-play the hard reality of what life is like for most people with Autism.

According to the National Autistic Society, Autism is “a lifelong developmental disability which affects how people communicate and interact with the world. More than one in 100 people are on the autism spectrum and there are around 700,000 autistic adults and children in the UK.”

Autism is a spectrum which affects different people in different ways. Some autistic people may be highly intelligent but also highly anxious and struggle socially. Others may be intellectually disabled. Some may be described as “a bit quirky” with interesting mannerisms and stims. Many autistic people find communication extremely challenging. They have trouble understanding social etiquette, and processing information (both verbal and sensory). Many are speech delayed and some may be described as primarily non-verbal. Autistic people are often delayed in toilet training and other areas of development.

The reality for most Autistic people is that they are not just a bit quirky. They are not just highly intelligent. Most people with Autism would not describe it as their superpower. Autism is a lifelong disability that means they struggle with things that come naturally to neuro-typical people. Learning to cope with this disability brings a lot of stress both to autistic individuals and to their families.

My daughter turned six last year. She is not yet toilet trained and shows little interest in learning to use the toilet. She is pre-verbal. Her vocabulary consists of less than one hundred single words and a few token phrases that she has learned to repeat (echolalia). She struggles to regulate her emotions when she is upset and as a result exhibits challenging behaviours. She gets overwhelmed by sensory information and/or by new situations. She has very little awareness of danger. Autism is definitely not her superpower.

On the plus side, Bethany knows what she wants, and she finds ways of communicating it. She is full of personality, and fiercely strong willed. She is extremely passionate about her interests and very affectionate most of the time.

My daughter is not atypical. The majority of people with Autism will struggle in similar ways. As they grow older, they will learn to manage their condition, but they will never grow out of it. Autism will always make life more challenging for them than it is for their neuro-typical peers.

So, lets dispense with the stereotypes. Next time someone tells you they are autistic, ask them how it affects them. Ask them if there’s anything you can do to make things easier for them. Seek to understand that autistic person as an individual and provide whatever support and accommodations you can. If it’s their parent talking, ask how things are going and how you can help, even if it’s just by being someone they can talk to when things get hard and overwhelming.

If we are honest, we all want to be understood. When we are understood, we feel less alone. And when we are not alone, we take courage.